For pure comic genius, it’s hard to match the crazy conspiratorial religious zealots who see ‘subliminal depravity’ in every children’s cartoon or movie. These moral crusaders have apparently developed a sixth sense that allows them to see what no one else can – like the scene in The Little Mermaid where the priest has a boner(!). Or the part in The Lion King where dust rises to spell out “SEX.” If these folks had a motto it would be, “If it’s not there, we’ll see it!” That’s because they got ‘em these highly sensitive antennae, that are always on high-alert.
But the truth is, when it comes to the spoken word, we have a lot more in common with these ass-baskets than we care to admit. Rather than ‘seeing’ things in images, we ‘hear’ lots of strange, out-of-context fragments and snippets of dialogue. But where our wild-eyed compatriots are horrified by such ‘obvious’ examples of secular filth, weirdo-ism, and idiocy – we, on the other hand, can’t get enough of it.
Point being, we’ve developed an extensive collection of these out-of-context ‘sound-bites’ over the years. So if you’ve got a soft-spot for unbelievably ridiculous statements, incredibly mangled syntax, or astonishingly over-amped, old-school anti-drug & sex propaganda – you’ve come to the right place.
And because you (like us), refuse to let the terrorists win, here are a handful of samples.
“THEY NEED TO LEARN ABOUT SPORTS!”
Ahhh…Nuggets like this are the reason we get up in the morning. A sports talk radio listener calls in to complain that the University of Kentucky places more emphasis on academics than sports. And he’s really not happy about it…And he refers to Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari as “Capaluto”…And then there’s the truly amazing finish.
SHALLOW THOUGHTS FROM AN EMPTY SKULL
We also don’t remember where these three excerpts came from, but they’re unintentionally hilarious.
We know it’s narration by the director of a reasonably obscure documentary we saw at some point (maybe someone out there can pin down the title). Regardless, our Alex Gibney-wannabe lays out his personal and creative philosophy with incredible (and we do mean incredible) simplicity.
WERNER HERZOG vs. NATURE
Make no mistake, Werner Herzog is an enormously talented filmmaker and all-around renaissance man. His body of work – and the independence he demands in producing it, is truly unique.
He is also German. And like many Germans, seems steeped in the kind of bleak, cold determinism that sees the world as a monstrous adversary. So when Werner runs into weather trouble while shooting on location in the Amazon, he bitterly denounces Mother Nature – as only Herzog can.
You can almost hear the jungle wondering, “are you talking about me…or you…”
JUST SAY NO! …TO EVERYTHING or (How Not To Talk To Kids About Drugs And Fucking)
This is another selection from our ‘Sound Bites’ archive.
From the glorious era when ‘officialdom’ came off way creepier and drug-addled than the supposed teenage sex and drug fiends they crusaded to save. We just love this shit.
MARTIAL ARTS SCHMUCK
This comes from a documentary. We can’t remember the title, but it features a guy bursting with enthusiasm, as he reminisces about bonding with his first childhood friend via their wondrous discovery of violence…And how his first Sensei (a not-very-in-the-closet psychopath) turned out to be a real letdown.
SAVE THE WORLD? SURE, WHY NOT?
This is another selection from our ‘Sound Bites’ archive.
This guy thinks that a new, eco-friendly technology sounds like a particularly good idea. What we’re less clear about is why he thinks this idea is so particularly funny.
Awakening Environmental Consciousness
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Vapid Disconnection
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= Comedy
